Saturday, August 26, 2006

Episode 408

Often office workers have two reasons to look forward to during the day: one being lunch time and the other being knock-off time. Needless to say (but I'm going to say it anyway), my boss Gnat is a little different. He looks forward to tea-breaks, coffee-breaks, milo-breaks, laughing breaks, annoy-subordinates breaks, 3-hour lunch breaks and chit-chatting with god-mother-god-brothers-god-sisters breaks.

While I was looking forward to a good lunch break after a stressful morning, the AD suddenly summoned the whole team into the board room. I quietly cursed under my breath. Why can't you do your emergency meetings after lunch? My right brain murmured, "It wouldn't be after lunch if it's an emergency, stupid." Ah.

Mrs. AD looked at her stack of notes and placed it on the table. She cleared her throat. My god, they're firing me in front of everyone, I thought. They finally found out that I was the one who came up with the "NO FARTING PLEASE" comic which was intended for Gnat. And the pictures where I DI-ed Barney and Tinky Winky's head on Gnat's body. And the nickname I gave Gnat (well, technically they should fire Wei, since he was the one who came up with the nickname...)

"Nathan has just tendered his resignation this morning."

I leapt up and threw a punch in the air. "Ho-seh ah!!!" ("That's great!!!") I hollered. "Where's the fucking champagne, someone get me GLASSES!!! Is there some sort of bank holiday for this?!" Then my right brain told me to shut up and stop imagining things.

But I wasn't imagining what Mrs. AD was saying. The Insect has Tendered. Gnat has, under mysterious circumstances, decided that love ain't enough from the godmother, and tea-breaks ain't enough to cover up his misdeeds. We often get stares of sympathy everytime someone mentions his name and stories of his incompetency have spread far and wide. But the thing is - he's leaving - and where to? We do not know. But there are questions you should never ask. We can only pray very, very hard for the next establishment who he has successfully hoodwinked.

Management scrambled to find his replacement while Gnat has to hand over his work to the rest of the guys (well, it's just that he hasn't got any work to begin with...). I was grinning from ear to ear throughout the rest of the day. Hey, don't call me a bitch - he fucked-up really badly.

Of course, the few close 'friends' he had were rather affected (note that all his friends were the ranks of managers and above). There was LP, the initials that Gnat affectionately called (and not realizing that LP also stands for Lan Pa i.e. scrotum), with his little goatee and faux Australian accent. And the Kylie Kwong look-alike, who dresses and speaks exactly like the chef but with more faux Aussie accent. One of my colleagues describes her as "holding on to the day when she erupts and explodes, her guts filled with Singlish". They often hold their tete-a-tete at "Kylie's" desk, which unfortunately is within my earshot and eyeshot. And when the trio breaks into laughter, Gnat's distinctive yet extremely repulsive laughing rings through the air like sarin gas and we all get poisoned immediately; you can only dispel the venom by rolling your eyes.

So our dear Gnat spends the rest of his time wondering around the office from table to table, sharing his poisonous infectious laughter while gingerly walking into office at 10:30 and leaving at 6 and having a 2 hour lunch break. I haven't been specially assigned to track his whereabouts - it's just that it's so hard to not feel his presence when you get goosebumps out of the blue.

And when he detaches himself away from work and responsibility (well, he wasn't a part of that anyway, but now he's just making it obvious), it's hard to locate his whereabouts. He could be gone for half a day and no one knows where the hell he's been, and then appearing at his desk close to the end of the day. I wouldn't give two hoots except that when the bloody bank pays you 5 grand a month, you're still a salaried employee until your very last day. So don't pretend that you're working on charity and do whatever Your Royal Ass please - and it just shows irresponsible you are (i.e. "it's none-of-my-business once I've resigned").

Of course, there's always the brighter side. Now that Gnat doesn't assume he knows everything (simply because he doesn't care no more), I don't get summoned into the meeting room to explain to him what I do everyday (yes, as a manager he has no idea what I do). Imagine having this conversation with your boss:

"Well, Nathan, as a manager, if you do not understand my daily duties how are you supposed to solve my problems?"

(Smirks) "Look, Gav, the point is, if I knew what you did, I wouldn't need you around."

(WTF look) "Then how are you going to solve my problems?"

"What problems?"

"Nathan, you are aware of my problems because we have been through this so many, many times."

"Look, Gav, tell me your problems now."

"(Groan) Okay, first of all my daily duties..."

"No, no, no. (sighs sarcastically) Don't tell me your daily duties, I don't need to know them."

"Well, Nathan, as a manager, if you do not understand my daily duties how are you supposed to solve my problems?"

(Smirks) "Look, Gav, the point is, if I knew what you did, I wouldn't need you around."

(See where this is going - and he walks out of the room thinking "Don't say I didn't try!")

If ever someone hands me a farewell card for Gnat, this is what I'd write (with my name signed perspicuously):

"Good riddance to bad rubbish."